EE-OO! EE-OO!

“Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Fashion police being dispatched to stop “stockings and sandals” felony violation! Calling all cars! Calling all cars!”

I, of course, realize that Korea and the US are different countries and that habits and customs differ. I also realize that even the oldest, most traditional of fashion rules are meant to be broken sometimes. In the States, traditionally, you are not to wear white shoes after Labor Day (the first Monday of September), since that officially marks the beginning of the fall season. But depending on where you live, your type of fashion, and new fashion trends, such a rule is starting to seem more and more outdated. If you live in LA, what’s the difference between spring, summer, fall, and winter?

Yet, there still are some rules that should be followed, as they exist for a reason. Not wearing stockings with open-toed shoes or sandals is one of them. This Fashion Law exists not only for the protection of society from Fashion Crimes, but to protect the wearer from social ridicule and exile.

Let me put it in clear and simple terms: it looks bad. Very bad.

Let’s talk function first. They’re sandals. Or open-toed shoes. They’re supposed to be cool, they’re supposed to show what has previously been hidden, they are meant to highlight parts of the foot that weren’t seen. If they weren’t meant to be fashionable, pretty, or sexy – then you’d just be wearing a beach flip-flops or ugly Teva sandals. But you’re not.

You’re wearing those beautiful shoes with a dress, a miniskirt, some really fashionable pants. To cover up with pantyhose is something your grandma would do – who wants to see Nana’s feet? – and totally clashes with and defeats the purpose of wearing those saucy, bare mules or show-all, sexy, summer sandals.

It’s like wearing a bikini over a t-shirt. Bikinis are meant to show. If you don’t want to show, you don’t wear a bikini, right? And if you actually go through the effort to get a pedicure – sort of like going to the tanning salon right before putting on the bikini – why in the name of Creation would you put panty hose over that?

And sometimes, certain people don’t wear certain things. As a man, I don’t wear tank-top muscle shirts, nor do I wear fitted suits that taper towards the waist. Why not? Because I have a belly, so what looked good on Brad Pitt or George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven won’t look good on me.

So, let’s be logical while being honest. If you have copy paper-pale skin, or varicose veins, or radish legs, or are covered in mosquito-bite scars, stockings are not the solution. They are sooooo 낙원시장 ajumma. So much. They look worse than any of those conditions I just mentioned.

To my pale Korean sisters concerned about reflecting the sun into the eyes of your dates with your Chunhyang-white legs and blinding them forever, or the varicose veins that make you feel really self-conscious – there are solutions. And again, pantyhose is a worse thing than just going bare, no matter what your complex or problem may be:
– How about trying some tanning cream or oil? It works wonders by a) evening out your skin tone, and b) by staying in for a few days before fading.

– You could also try getting a real bed in a tanning salon, although this is more expensive than the previous option. But if you don’t want the wear-and-tear on your skin, or if you want to keep your skin pale, you can…
– Obtain some “Air Stocking” spray – that stuff’s possibly the best option, since it a) comes right off in the shower, and b) gives you the coverage power of stocking, but they don’t look like stockings. Your legs will look wonderful, and everyone will wonder how you did it.

Anyway, control-top stockings that make you slide around in your shoes and you look like a person with no fashion sense (pssst, girls – most of the real fashionable women inKorea find this 촌스러워, too – so if you truly didn’t know before, now you do).

If you have 무다리 or “radish legs”, then stockings will only make you draw more attention to that fact, because of its being so darn 촌스러워. You can’t hide it – you have the legs you have, and no stocking are going to make you look like Hyori. So what you do? Adapt.

Remember “thick” girl? Let me remind you.

Yes, sista’s got thick legs. But you know what? She’s also got “attitude.” She has confidence, because she made it for herself. She also is armed with smart fashion sense, even if she needs to fully put on her shoes.

Notice that she isn’t wearing some silly mini-skirt up to her upper thighs. If she did, her legs would look shorter, because she’d be exposing more of the legs that most people see as “too thick.” Keeping more of her midsection under clothes reduces that, while reducing the amount of “too thick” that is exposed.
That’s why a longer skirt – preferably one that hugs your hips and shows the shape of your legs (remember that the outline of your body isn’t the “problem” – it’s the width of the legs, which you can’t see under the skirt) or a pair of crop pants with some high heels is a great idea.
If you look at the pictures below, you can see how cutting off at the point right above the calf can be a good thing, allowing the high heels to make the leg look thinner by 1) actually making it thinner because the foot is arched and the front muscles in the shin are stretched out and thinner, with the calf also being raised and flexed, and 2) the higher heels makes the horizontal surface area of your foot smaller, making the entire leg-to-foot image appear more tapered, taking advantage of the curves you do have.

In fact, depending on the person, a girl with a thicker leg can benefit from high heels much more than a skinny girl with no shape, since on the skinny girl, the effect can just come across as making her look weak, silly, or even “slutty.” On a thicker girl, the effect has more possiblity of coming off as “voluptuous” or simply “curvy.”

Or you can use the opposite philosophy – show your confidence and just be sexy – because if you believe you are, you are. I’ve seen a lot of thicker girls who leave a strong impression because they have a sexy “air” about them. And a pair of 10-12 cm high heels sure helps the legs not only look longer and thinner, but they give a special kind of confidence as well – sort of like when even a round man puts on a custom-made Gucci suit. You look better, you feel better, and your behavior and “air” of confidence follows – which completes the cycle by actually making you look better, etc.
Anyway, the effect is far better than looking worse and more 촌스러워 by wearing horrible panty hose and looking ridiculous in your sandals. You’re worried about your legs looking like radishes, but you’re actually hurting yourself more by repeating the same fashion as the 65-year-old halmeoni working in the market, who wears knee-high gray stockings with her granny sandals? It’s not the same thing, but it’s the same effect. Don’t do it.

Ewww. Is that attractive?

Still don’t want to trust in my advice? Still think that having thick legs means you’re doomed forever? In the end, it’s all in your mind. Get a sharp and sexy pedicure, some high heels and attitude, and go either extra high with the skirt (with higher heels) or extra low (also with higher heels). Yes, though – I know some of you still don’t believe me. So let me give a final example, from a girl who could reasonably be said to have “thick” legs, at least by Korean standards.

So she ain’t cute? I just wanted to show you this “before and after” effect, with this larger girl, and cutting off her shoes so you can see that yes, from some angles, she looks she has a little “무 in her shoe.” But she also had a bright and sexy demeanor and a quick, confident walk – every man she passed took notice. I took notice from all the way across the street, walking in the opposite direction.

Compare that unfairly cropped picture above to the the ones that follow, of her in action, of her trying to find her date on the phone, of her being the very spirit of Sex in the City.

She’s wearing a baggy-yet-sporty shirt that de-emphasizes her top half, while putting on a short skirt and killer 9 cm heels with an angle strap that raises the heat level of her legs and overall image to smoking. Those shoes she has are simply red-hot, and she knows it. She’s not walking around feeling embarrassed or sorry for herself for being a bigger girl, for not looking like some star on TV who only eats 3 times per week, who isn’t a “real” person, anyway.

She works with what she has and is simply happy to believe she’s sexy, which then makes it true. How’s this?

In a different picture, from a different angle, she looks totally different, no? It also helps to know how to stand, know how to maintain poise, to simply be the personality you want to be. And if you’re going to try for a “fantasy aesthetic”, why not try the original “hostess with the mostess” – Betty Page? She’s from a time when women in America were more real women: larger, fuller, healthier than the ideal you see nowadays in fashion magazines. And she had big legs – she also wore 6-inch heels. She was simply – amazing.

(Click to enlarge)

It may not look like it, but imagine Ms. Page in a pair of flip-flops and khaki shorts buying a pack of hot dogs and beer at Costco. People might comment and think about the “무 in her shoe”. But they would be blaspheming.

So - in sum:

1) No stockings and sandals, please. It’s just 촌스러워.
2) Get some attitude, Korean larger-sized sisters! You’re awesome, and you don’t have to resort to hose with heels.

That’s it for now. Back to patrolling!